The Future Freaks Me Out

I’m terrified by the future. Specifically, the vast array of possibilities it holds. It’s not that I want the future to be fated or predestined or anything, because I don’t. I’m very glad the future is in flux and what I do today can change tomorrow. It makes for interesting concepts such as the many-worlds interpretation. My issue is in the fact that there are so many variables that planning, while not entirely pointless, is not as useful as I’d like it to be.

For example, when applying to colleges and universities, a high school student could have a mental plan of attending a certain university and getting a certain degree. They may even have a future job in mind. However, in order to achieve this plan, the student must be accepted into the desired university, they may have to be accepted into their desired major, they must pass classes associated with their desired major, graduate on time, and if they had a job in mind then that particular employer or field needs to be hiring when they graduate. (These are just a few examples of variables.) It’s true that certain of these variables are somewhat, if not mostly, in the hands of the student by way of their grades and efforts. However, certain variables are out of their control, such as the state of hiring in the student’s desired field or at their desired employer. That’s not even considering the incredible myriad of outside variables that can’t even be accounted for, such as natural disaster, economic shifts, etc.

The latter two groups of variables, the uncontrollable and outside variables, that terrify me the most. When I look to the future and try to decide what my ideal future is, it’s hard to hope for something when there are so many potential issues in the way. And yet, I can’t help but hope. It’s in my nature as a human and optimist, and it’s part of my personality. So I’m forced to ask myself: is it wrong or bad to hope for a future in a world of such vast possibilities? Is it best to set expectations low and be surprised when the future turns out how you may have wanted it, or is it best to hope for something so you can work towards it? I can’t claim to have the answer, but I personally believe that hope is one of the most crucial parts of being human. Without hope, many people fall into states of depression and perceived helplessness. It’s why things ranging from horoscopes to religion exist. They provide people with hope, some promise of a good future.

I can’t pretend I’m not terrified of the future, that I might not even approach the future I hope for. The best I can do is hope for a good future, be it a specific future or a generally good future, and work towards that future.

Hoping for nothing but the best for you,

I’m Michael, and this is my life.

Journaling // Leuchtturm 1917

About a month ago, I was feeling pretty down in the dumps. I was hitting that end of the semester, Junior year at university blues. Between existentialism and homework-induced stress, I was not sure I really sure what I was wanting to get out of this whole “life” thing. Around that same time, I had a coworker/friend encourage me to start journaling. She’s a hardcore optimist, the kind who is always happy (but not in the obnoxious, make you want to vomit kind of way). She firmly believes that journaling is beneficial for mental health, and there are numerous people who agree. Deciding I didn’t have much to lose, I bought a journal. I was originally going to go for a Moleskin journal, but they ended up being painfully expensive. Ultimately, I went with a journal from Leuchtturm 1917, because the quality was similar to Moleskin, but the price was significantly lower. (I’d highly recommend them. I love mine.)

I’ve been journaling since then (on and off, but I’m trying my very best to do it nightly). I have a reminder on my phone to write each night. If I’m too tired, busy, or I forget, I almost always write the next morning. I try very hard to be as detailed as possible, because I’m one of those people who fears forgetting things. The fact that life is simply the combination of memories of the past and hopes for the future frightens me, but that’s a story for another time. The point is, I started journaling and have been since the beginning of March.

I found it especially useful and fun to do when I was on spring break down in Texas. It was a way to relive each day after it happened and record what happened so I can always go back and read about what all I did, in case I do forget any details. In fact, down in Texas was the first time an entry I wrote exceeded a page, which was an amazing feeling.

So: What do I think? A month on, how do I feel about journaling? Has it helped my mental health? Yes, it definitely has. That’s not to say I don’t still have the occasional existential panic (it’s a virtual inevitability when at university), but I feel better about my life on the whole. I feel like each day is memorable, even if nothing much happened. It also ends up being a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy: I feel like each day is more memorable because I’m writing about it, then I end wanting to do more memorable activities each day so I have more to write! It’s an upward spiral that feels amazing. Even if I still have no clue what I want from the future, I feel a lot better about my life.

So that’s me, saying what many people have already said: you should journal because it’s good for you. Until next time. (Which will hopefully be next week. I know I’m really bad at this, but I’m moving my day of the week to Saturday in attempts to give myself time to write these posts.)

I’m Michael, and this is my life.